Bonfires and Bluejeans

Randoms from my spot next to the fire

The New Friday Nights

on September 17, 2011

     I know I’ve mentioned a time or twelve that my life has changed, better than for the best, over past year.  Last night it really hit home in one of those “ahhaa!” light bulb moments.  And this time I actually paid attention.
     Used to be that I was always on the go.  Always out doing something.  Even if I was runnin’ to Walmart, it was always go, go, go for us.  Don’t get me wrong; the kids had fun I’m sure getting to do stuff out and about.  But there were not so pleasant reasons behind all that running around.  I didn’t want to be home.  Especially when the kids weren’t with me, I never really felt at peace there, especially when I was alone.  It wasn’t a matter of not being comfortable there; I really strive to make our home a warm and inviting, cozy place to be.  It was more of a feeling of loneliness that was beginning to overtake me there.  Even when I wasn’t alone, I was alone.  The walls would just close in on me in a weird, figurative way.  So what does one do?  Get the heck outta there!  Nothing was off limits to me and the kids.  We would be at the park for picnics, fishing, swimming every night in the summer.  All the fairs in a 2 state area.  All the kid theme restaraunts.  Where ever they wanted to go, we went.  When it was just me I would work out at the gym, go for a run at the lake, and make friends with old men at the dock when I would go to be alone and fish (THAT was funny!!)  Always on the go.  Always avoiding something.  Looking back, we had some great times but I really missed out on getting that quiet time with my kiddos.  Instead of sitting at home talking and relaxing, I felt pressed to always be doing something with them.  I missed precious time just sitting.  Just relaxing.  Time that I won’t be able to get back.  We made memories, but I missed out at the same time.
     I never put two and two together until recently.  I was so miserable with myself that it was affecting those around me.  Classic story.  Being home really made the walls close in on me, and all that loneliness was magnified.  So this brings us to the here and now and why being home has become a joy rather than a dread.  Now I’m happy.  The kids are happy.  We are loved and accepted for who we are and not expected to be anything or anyone we aren’t.  We don’t put pressure on each other to “perform”.  We are who we are, and embrace what each of us has to bring to the family; good, bad and ugly.  In this new environment all three of us have developed and changed, far better than I could have ever expected.  The freedom gained in true, real love is life changing.  The way it really should be.
     Last night was one of those perfectly wonderful, domesticated nights that would probably bore the pants off more than a few people.  After a long week at work, I was really looking forward to some down time at home with the family.  Sean had a hankerin’ for pizza all week, and the kids and I would never disagree with a decision like that.  So off to Mazzio’s we went to spend a cold, wet night eating pizza and drinking cokes.  And what’s best after pizza and cokes?  Ice cream sandwiches, of course!  Well, not my idea but the boy’s idea, anyways.  Grabbing some ice cream sandwiches, and a couple of movies for good measure we headed home.  We didn’t go anywhere else.  We headed back home, to where I wanted to be…spending time with my family.  This was a huge realization.  Short of the special treat of eating pizza out, the perfect way to end the day was at home, having quality time.  Not out and about on the town, doing anything…but quality time.  There is no where on this earth that I would rather be than laying on the couch, with the kids smooshing Sean and I watching kid movies that we would have never dreamed of watching before; the kids settling in and getting snugly and sleepy.
     Don’t get me wrong.  There is always a time and place for going out on the town.  What I’ve really noticed about spending more time at home with the family is that when we do decide to go out to eat or to a movie, either as a family or date night, we appreciate it.  It’s a treat to be able to do it; not just something to do to get out of the house.  Along with that comes saving more money, and all that other good stuff and yadda yadda yadda.  So it’s a win win situation for us all.
     I’ve known my priorities have changed as I’ve grown and matured.  Some have probably wondered when it would hurry up and kick in…and I would have to say better late than never!  And now…   
I. Love. My. Life.     

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