Bonfires and Bluejeans

Randoms from my spot next to the fire

Lipstick-Stained Smiles

on September 29, 2013

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I really hate days like today. Days where the weather is beyond perfect…fall is in the air yet it’s still warm and sunshiny. Days where the kids are full of energy and running and playing and healthy and happy with their friends. Days where church is extra meaningful, on target and what you really need. On the outside, today is perfect. On the inside, not so much.
Today is miserable on the inside. Today is one of those days where my patience is being tested, literally at every turn. Where each one of my decisions, no matter how minor, is being put into question. Words are being said with an intensity that are usually not said, or better yet all the words that are said between the long, drawn out silences could be summed up as huge improvisions of effort. Funny how the emotions can be so much more intense when the words are absent.
Today is a day where my confidence had decided to up and walk out the door. Every one around me is taller (that’s a given), thinner, has a prettier smile, and much more manageable hair. Their outfits are straight out of the catalogs and they never say anything stupid or irritating to other people. They don’t drip their coffee on their pants or have lipstick on their tooth. No, today it’s my turn to embody all that’s wrong with the female population. Seems I’ve taken it all on my shoulders. Funny how one little innocent comment can cause me to nosedive into a tailspin of emotional vulnerability like that. Honestly, I hate myself for allowing that kind of reaction to a simple comment, but when it comes from somebody you love and respect so much, what else is there but to internalize it and count it as truth? There is so much perfection to live up to out there.
I’ve tried to smile, keep an upbeat attitude. Cause truth be told, when it comes down to it I’ll just say it’s no big deal if anyone even asks what’s going on. I know I’m guilty of this, but we all get so wrapped up in out own drama shows called lives that we fail to notice the pain and hurt that even those closest to us are experiencing. Or that we could even be the cause of all the pain. Most of the time, we just walk on by, or just pass in the hallway, convinced that we are just not involved, or that we are right, or oblivious.
No, today is not as great day. Many would just brush it off as me being a girl. As if that would explain every emotion and feeling I’ve ever had. No, there’s a whole lot more to me than a raging ball of hormones and outbursts that can be timed to the cycles of the moon. No, I do have feelings. I do have emotions. And all of these function completely independent of any biological influence that my physical nature may provide. That being said, I am sensitive to comments, innuendos, and attacks. Personal jabs that are cloaked in jokes and innocent appearing comments do hurt. No matter how hard I try to hide it.
Like any natural process of damming water, it will eventually break. And like a dam, I will be able to hold back the emotions, pain, and hurt until that one last comment or slight, then I will break. And usually without warning. And tadaa…I will have a bad day. Like today. What could have been an amazingly perfect day wasn’t.
On the outside, the conversations were fine, the lipstick-on-the-teeth smiles where fine, and I went through the motions. But I wanted to crawl up into a ball and cry. Just cry. Then eat ice cream and chocolate. Cause that’s what any self respecting girl with apparent body issues should do, right? Nah…I’ll just pick myself up, start my diet again tomorrow and face life. Wearing this goofy, crooked, lipstick-smeared smile so that nobody will be able to tell the difference.

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